Go For It Golfing

Image: Mark Peterson / Redux for Forbes

ITS ALL GOOD Breaking all the rules at Patriot Hills Golf Club in New York

Unless you have a masochistic streak worthy of a DMV clerk, golf is, frankly, no fun. The game is so difficult to master that even professional players routinely fail to post par, so time-consuming that it takes the better part of a day to play—and it’s expensive, to boot. All in all, a questionable combination for something billing itself as a leisure activity.

Unsurprisingly, people are abandoning the game in droves. According to the National Golf Foundation, there are 26.1 million golfers in America, which may sound like a lot until you realise there were 30 million five years ago. Last year 3.6 million people took up golf but 4.6 million hung up their spikes.

Statistics like that have goaded golf ’s traditional establishment into action. The PGA of America, which represents 27,000 teaching professionals, is spending millions to promote “Golf 2.0”—a sweeping strategic plan based on research by the Boston Consulting Group to reengage the country’s 90 million “lapsed” golfers (apparently defined as anyone who has ever seen a golf ball) and target potential new players. And, along with the United States Golf Association, it is working to remind weekend duffers that unless they hit the ball like Tiger Woods they should “Tee It Forward” and shorten the course to a difficulty level commensurate with their (lack of ) skills.

Admirable initiatives, but they don’t go far enough—not by a long, sliced shot. So consider a few ways to make the world’s least fun sport a little more entertaining.

1. You are the problem. It’s not your golf clubs or that lingering hangover that is causing all those double-bogeys. It’s you. You are a terrible golfer. It’s vital to accept this before you can start having fun. If you expect to score well, you are inevitably going to be disappointed. But take comfort in the fact that everyone else is terrible, too. Only 21 percent of golfers regularly shoot below 90, or 18 over par. The average score for men is 97.

2. Par is an impossible dream. Give it up. Of those golfers who register with the USGA for an official handicap ( just one out of five players), a mere 0.7 percent can be considered “scratch” golfers, meaning they actually have a sporting chance of shooting par over 18 holes. You are not one of these superhumans. Instead try this psychological trick: Consider every hole on the course a par-5. Shoot a 5 on every hole and you’ll get a 90, which is great, all things considered.

3. Stroke play is for suckers. Stroke play, the form of golf played on the PGA Tour, rewards the player who hits the fewest number of shots for an entire round. Completely blow a hole with an 8 or a 9 and you are going to be stuck with the bar bill on the 19th. Try match play instead, in which the winner of each individual hole is given a single point and the highest number of points wins.

4. Be a non-conformist. There are plenty of companies out there making “non-conforming” golf equipment—meaning that the stuff is considered illegal for competitive play by the USGA. Most of it is gimmicky and worthless, but a few items added to your golf bag actually might help.
The Swing Glove ($30) is an extra- long glove with a hinged plate sewed into it that prevents you from breaking your wrist as you hack away at the ball. It will instantly improve your swing.

Polara makes golf balls (from $25 a dozen) that go straighter—really!—using strange dimples that prevent hooks and slices. They work, but they don’t go as far as a regular ball and don’t produce as much lift, so you’ll need to use your 3- wood, rather than a driver, to hit them.

Bushnell makes a GPS Laser Rangefinder ($450), which will wow your partners when you tell them that they lie exactly 143 yards from the pin. How that information will help them actually hit the ball 143 yards is another matter entirely.

Meanwhile: Ignore the super-oversize drivers, the extra-distance balls and the laser-sighted putters. They. Won’t. Help.

5. Cheat. The Rules of Golf contain no references to the words “mulligan,” “foot wedge” or “gimme,” yet it is a rare round that doesn’t feature all three. Now go all in.

6. Take Lessons And Practice. A bit boring, sure, but rumoured to work.