No good super PAC names left

Whether there’s too much money in politics is a fine subject for your next bar stool debate, but that there are far too many super PACs in politics seems beyond dispute. Evidence: The goofy, inscrutable, vaguely dishonest names of the season’s crop of political action committees. Whatever happened to plain speaking? Some real-life examples from the current electoral cycle:

UNINTIMIDATED PAC
Promoting: Scott Walker
2016 cycle receipts: $20 million
Slogan: “We can fight and win for America.”
Instead, call it: Intimidated at the First Sign of Trouble, So Let’s Drop Out and Lay $20 million on the Packers to Beat the Spread on Sunday PAC

CORRECT THE RECORD
Promoting: Hillary Clinton
2016 cycle receipts: $1.4 million
Slogan: “A strategic research and rapid-response team designed to defend Hillary Clinton from baseless attacks.”
Instead, call it: Connecting With Supporters Via Semaphore, Because to Hell With E-Mail PAC

NEXTGEN CLIMATE ACTION
Promoting: Nice weather, tolerable sea levels
2016 cycle receipts: $5.3 million
Slogan: “Acting politically to prevent climate disaster and promote prosperity for all Americans.” Instead, call it: Boy, Are Tom Steyer’s Heirs Mad He’s Frittering Away Their Inheritance and Not Even Winning Many Elections PAC

WE THE PEOPLE, NOT WASHINGTON
Promoting: George Pataki
2016 cycle receipts: $859,000
Slogan: “Formed to support Governor Pataki’s future agenda to empower the citizens of our great nation.”
Instead, call it: Help Our Guy Land a Lucrative Gig on Fox News Once He Folds Post-Iowa PAC

SECURITY IS STRENGTH
Promoting: Lindsey Graham
2016 cycle receipts: $2.9 million
Slogan: “Protect America.”
Instead, call it: Well, There’s Always My Comfy Seat on the Senate Appropriations Committee as Soon as This Comes to Its Inevitable End PAC